LADIES THIS YO JAM

Someone I know posted this link to Tom Ford’s lessons on being a gentleman. Those rules are all well and good, but they seem pretty “duh” in my opinion. So, with that in mind, I’ve begun compiling my own list in the hopes of making gentleman out of the lot of you.

1. Don’t be a dickbag to people.
2. Hey. Don’t molest kids. It is ungentlemanly, you guys.
3. Socks and sandals=EW.
4. If you have a girlfriend, spank her once in a while, publicly. She’ll appreciate the compliment, and it will be a subtle assurance of your masculinity.
5. If you’re at a carnival, you better fucking win your lady a big ass stuffed animal.
6. If you and your female companion happen upon a large puddle, pick her up and carry her across. Unless you don’t have arms. In that case, you’ll probably have to walk around it. Sorry, bro.
7. If you find out someone you know has AIDS, don’t judge them for it! But you should probably stop with all the needle sharing and unprotected anal sex. Probably.
8. Ladies love it when you grab their breasts and make a honking sound, but don’t do it all the time. It loses its charm. And nothing is less gentlemanly than a man without charm.
9. Be charming.
10. Mind your P’s and Q’s. And tell your R’s to fuck off, this isn’t about them.
11. Everyone loves candy. Always have some in your pockets. Preferably non-melty ones. Also, be careful about offering them to children, your gentlemanliness may be misconstrued.
12. Always write “thank you” notes if you receive a gift. And cut back on your “fuck you” notes if people forget your birthday. Hey, think about it, remembering dates is pretty hard.
13. Always respect your elders. Even when they start getting uncomfortably racist and start referring to anyone with darker skin as “the help”.
14. Shake hands firmly when you meet another gentleman for the first time. And if the other gentleman is black, do that cool “bump” thing they do, they’ll appreciate it.
15. Don’t talk on the phone when you enter a bathroom. It’s annoying for everyone around, and trust me, people can hear when a shit plops on the other end of the line. However, feel free to call MovieFone. You gotta get your movie times, that’s just a given.
16. Always refer to a significant other’s father as “Sir” and their mother as “Ma’am”. Unless they’re dead. Then that would be weird.
17. Do not be overly clingy. If you’re one of those armless gentleman I referred to earlier, this should be easy.
18. Always have good hygiene. This includes the basics, such as showering, shaving, and brushing your teeth, but also includes some lesser known steps. For instance, you may or may not know this, but a gentleman always waxes his taint.
19. Don’t ogle women. This includes strippers. Technically, they’re women too.
20. Don’t talk about yourself too much. Unless, like me, you’re totally awesome.
21. When you’re first getting to know someone, don’t bring up divisive topics, such as religion or politics. Instead, discuss more neutral subjects, such as abortion, or flag burning.
22. Bring your lady a flower, even when it isn’t a special occasion. It’s a good idea to remind her that things die, potentially including your love for her.
23. If you’re watching television or movies with your lady, make sure you spend time watching things she likes. If it’s shitty, which it will undoubtedly be, feel free to make faces about BEHIND her back. However, make sure to smile and nod if she looks at you for reaffirmation.
24. Stand up for your girl. This may include punching women who are total bitches to your lady. Be prepared. And watch out, because they like to pull hair.
25. A-B-C. Always be closing. ALWAYS. Be closing.

And there you have it. Follow those 25 simple rules for dating my teenage daughter, and you’ll be a gentleman just like me in no time.